Simply Me

I'm easy going, down to earth, hoping to make a lot of friends all over the world. I am always ready for a laugh. I try to have a positive effect on people. I'm as Stubborn as any Taurus! I am fiercely loyal to my friends.I'm famous for helping out people. If you wanna talk to me, great! If you dont want to but have a problem, I'm the one to contact...unless your problem involves de-activating a bomb! Call the FBI and ask if they can spare a reader's manual!

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Bam 'oh-so-cute' Margera

Can you sue someone for being very cute and adorable?

Tuesday, January 31, 2006


This is a picture that was taken yesterday. The cutie here is (Obi) my lovely dog.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Your Hidden Talent
You have the power to persuade and influence others.You're the type of person who can turn a whole room around.The potential for great leadership is there, as long as you don't abuse it.Always remember, you have a lot more power over people than you might think!
Your Seduction Style: The Charmer
You're a master at intimate conversation and verbal enticement.
You seduce with words, by getting people to open up to you.
By establishing this deep connection quickly, people feel under your power.
And then you've got them exactly where you want them!
What Is Your Seduction Style?
Your Heart Is Green
Love completes you, but that doesn't mean you seek it out.When love comes your way, you integrate it peacefully into the rest of you life.
Your flirting style: Laid back
Your lucky first date: Walking around aimlessly and talking
Your dream lover: Is both enthusiastic and calm
What you bring to relationships: Balance
What Color Heart Do You Have?
You Are A Friendly Ex
You and your ex are just friends - great friends really.(At least that's what you keep telling yourself!)While civility is a good thing, make sure you're not secretly wanting more...
What Type of Ex Are You?
What Your Sleeping Position Says
You are calm and rational.You are also giving and kind - a great friend.You are easy going and trusting.However, you are too sensible to fall for mind games.
What Does Your Sleeping Position Say About You?

Personality Test

Your Personality Is
Guardian (SJ)

You are sensible, down to earth, and goal oriented.Bottom line, you are good at playing by the rules.
You tend to be dominant - and you are a natural leader.You are interested in rules and order. Morals are important to you.
A hard worker, you give your all at whatever you do.You're very serious, and people often tell you to lighten up.
In love, you tend to take things carefully and slowly.
At work, you are suited to almost any career - but you excel in leadership positions.
With others, you tend to be polite and formal.
As far as looks go, you are traditionally attractive. You take good care of yourself.
On weekends, you tend to like to do organized activities. In fact, you often organize them!
The Three Question Personality Test
What Your Underwear Says About You
When you're bad, you're very bad. And when you're good, you're still trouble!
You're a closet exhibitionist who gets a thrill from being secretly naughty.
The Underwear Oracle

Me? Bad!


Minors *eyes rolling*

What do you do when you find out that a minor wants to run away with a man she met online...

after she's known him for TWO WEEKS?!!!

I pointed out to her that this man KNOWS she's a minor. The fact that he knows this and continued talking to her proves he lacks morals. It's illegal.

I don't know her parents and I don't have their number. If I did, what would I say?

The girl really believes that this guy is in love with her and she wants to runaway with him

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Momentary Thing

There is a song that you can find on the Veronica Mars sound track album called "Momentary Thing" by Something Happens (Alan, Elvis, & God). I really loved the scene where the song came in :D
Here are the lyrics:

Veronica Mars

Something Happens -




it nothing or less? Or less? Or less?..
We're holding on I guess, I guess, I guess..
She's taking off her clothes again
Says, "Let the whole world see"
She's cutting off her hair again
Says, "This is all of me"..

After all, well isn't this just a momentary thing?
It's not like I expected it,
Or any heavy thing

Shook me up I guess, I guess, I guess..
Stirring me up yes, yes, yes..
It's at the point of breaking down,
Cause there's nothing left to say.
I think you waste your sweetness.
I think the whole thing blew away.


Not like I hoped
Not like I dreamed
Not like I prayed
And hoped for.. dreamed
It's not like I'm hooked
I'm hooked (x3)
It's not any heavy thing.. (x4)

Guitar Solo)

Cause we'll get along..
We'll get along.
Oh yeah.
After so long (x4)
So long


Saturday, January 21, 2006

Sinfully Deliciously Yummy!

Jason William Dohring who plays the character of Logan on the Veroinca Mars is so delicious.


God, I wuv his cheeks, his eyes, his laugh, his twinks, the way he lifts his eyebrows...*sigh*

I need to cool down....

Thursday, January 12, 2006

The Sense of Security

A high school student once said, “Phonology is the study of telephone etiquette.”

I used to work with girls in a juvenile institution. An 11 year old came up to me once with a question,

GIRL: Ms. Carter?

RUBY: Yes?

GIRL: I was wonderin' about somethin'…

RUBY: What about?

GIRL: How come we’re idiots?

RUBY: Excuse me?

GIRL: How come we’re stupid?

RUBY: Who is “we”?

GIRL: Me, you, everybody.

RUBY: What makes you think we’re stupid?!

GIRL: Yesterday they played a movie called Free Willy and I was wonderin’ why Willy knows what we say to him but we can’t understand him. A whale is an animal, right?

RUBY: Yeah…

GIRL: Then how come an animal understands what we tell it, but we can’t understand it back?

(people in the room begin to take interest in the topic and demand to know an answer…or otherwise shouting their opinions)

RUBY: Well, animals do not understand what we say…Which is why we have signals and whistles. For example, when a dog whimpers, it’s either sad, hungry, or hurt. If you haven’t fed it, then that means that it is hungry. If it mopes around, this means it is sad. If you find an injury, well then it’s hurt.

GIRL: (smiles and is satisfied with my answer)

…How come I still think about her question and wonder?

There are some dolphins that respond to signals. I read about a shark that pushes a button that sends a signal that it is hungry and presses a different button when it feels sick. How did they ever learn which button to press?! I read about gorillas and horses that can do math!
How did they ever learn what to do???

Thinking about these things make me feel so tiny and in awe of the whole universe…and it makes me feel stupid at the same time!

Thank God for my PSP, PS2, and Xbox. I’m smart enough to work them. I challenge all of those smart animals to a duel on these technological miracles…we’ll see how good their fins, hooves and giant hands will do then….

Ah, the sense of security.

It feels great

Feeling Dumb

This has been an eventful week.

K. convinced me to quit my job because I work long hours and I don’t get paid enough. Some of my co-workers were considerate enough to throw me a small party. Some of the inmates made me cards and pictures and presents. Some of the girls who never cooperated with me surprised me with a card, so there were some shocks…I also quit my job at the college and decided to work one job.

I got a job in K.’s company. It is totally different from what I used to do, but I am qualified for it…I guess anyone can be. I got a job as an assistant and although I wanted to work with K., we both decided that I shouldn’t because work can sometimes make a relationship complicated. Besides, he already has an assistant.

So now I work with a guy named Heath (nice name!). On the first day, he asked me out for lunch and there were people around us who could hear everything! I regretted being nice to him. He obviously got the wrong idea. So I told him that I am engaged. He laughed at me. REALLY loud and told me that it is customary for the boss to take out his/her secretary or assistant out for lunch (or dinner) on their first day. I wasn’t sure. I pretended to ignore him and called K. at his office and asked him. He said that, yes, it’s like a thing in this company. I wanted to kill him for not telling me! I hate being wrong (I’m a Taurus) and I hate apologizing!

I went inside Heath’s office and he was on the phone. After he hung up he looked at me (smiling) and said “so, what did K. say?” He was enjoying this! Which made me hate apologizing to him even more!!!!

I decided that the best thing to do is to just do it and get it over with.

RUBY: Look, I am really sorry, I didn’t know that it’s like this thing you guys do around here.

HEATH: It’s something we like to do to the newbies.

RUBY: But what if a guy was new here? Does a woman ask him out?

HEATH: (grins) No, a guy ALWAYS does the asking, even if the boss is a woman. For instance, she’d call me and I’d ask the guy out and make it sound like we’re going out on a date. Of course, I ask in a crowded room to make it fun for us!

* * *
Now that is cruel, but I wasn’t mad anymore. I just felt relieved because, let’s face it…I’m going to have to work for this guy! If he really asked me out and I said no, he could’ve made my work life a living hell, which is something I don’t want.

We went out for dinner, after work, at a posh restaurant. The waiter knew him and he introduced me as “Ruby the newbie”. The waiter laughed, I guess he knew about the office prank. I ate shrimp (because I love it) and lobster (because I love it too). He ate what looks like a steak (I can’t pronounce the name of the dish). We didn’t have dessert there, instead we went to a Baskin Robbins and ordered ice-cream. I chose cookie dough, yum!

I had fun and we talked a lot about stuff not related to work. He said that if he was going to be my boss, he is going to have to know me…And if I’m going to be his assistant, I’m going to have to understand him. He drove me home and we said goodnight. K. was waiting for me in the living room (he was watching TV) and asked me how dinner went and if I liked Heath. I didn’t say anything. I went inside the bedroom and threw out a pillow and a blanket. He looked confused so I said “oh, you’re sleeping on the couch tonight.” And I closed the door. I don’t care if his back hurts him tomorrow.


Saturday, December 31, 2005

Happy New Year

It feels strange to know that I am going to post something here in time for an event!

Well, now it is 2006 (my time) and since 2005 has been really awful, I don't really expect 2006 to be any different. But I hope that this year will hold no natural disasters and no wars.

I had a very lousy year but it ended with a memorable Christmas.

Happy New Year everybody.

love and light,


Friday, December 23, 2005

Merry Christmas!

I hope everyone has a merry Christmas.

This year has been aweful, too many natural disasters and too many murders and suicidal people.

I just hope that we have a peaceful Christmas and a peaceful New Year.

Take care of yourself everybody, and realize that life is too precious to ruin, too valuable to lose.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Last Day

Well, I’m coming back tomorrow. I’m sorry I had to post the last 2-3 weeks all at once.
Oh well.

I also had problems accessing my email. No one I know has had this problem. Anyway, yesterday I did log in and I had around 300 unread messages! I never get that ton of mail so I was really surprised.

One of the emails that I got was from security @ (something) and in that email they said that they limited my access to my email for security reasons. I was like what the fuck?! What goddamn security reasons?

I have been getting emails from various people and they said that they are in trouble and that people are after them. They are all traps that idiots fall for. I mean, if you have any trouble, go to the police, and if you think that they can’t be trusted go to the FBI or go see a lawyer (even if you can’t afford his services). Just tell him what is wrong. Maybe he’ll know someone you can call. Don’t send me a message telling me to go open a safe deposit box just because your daddy is dead and people are after you and if you go to the box, they’ll kill you. Also, don’t send me an email telling me that you are a Mother in some church in a country I’ve never heard of and tell me you need my account number because you want to send me ten million dollars to build a charity center named after you in the United States.

These type of emails make me laugh because the criminals have seem to lost their sense if creativity. Are there no challenges left in the world anymore?

Down Under

Well, I’m in Australia now which is great. I made my move and Kevin didn’t reject me as I feared he would :D

I told him on the beach about how I have always liked him and that I was wondering, if maybe, we could go out on a date sometime. Of course, I made him check out my ass before I told him how I felt about him. I didn’t tell him that I’ve had a crush on him since the first grade though. It was there on the beach that we had our first kiss which was fantastic by the way. Damn, he is a great kisser. Lucky me!

On this trip, Kevin bought me flowers and perfume (before I told him how I felt about him). Yesterday, he bought me a medium sized box, gift wrapped. I opened it and there were a lot of M&M’s inside. I LOVE M&M’s.

I really hope everything works out great. I have been so miserable for such a long time. I want to be happy. I need to be happy.

Kevin: Exciting

(Part Four)

He told me that he has a to go to Australia on business for one week but he arranged to stay there for two weeks and has also booked a seat for me!


That day, for me, is superb. I told him that I want to go with him. The trip was in two days. It was a holiday here for about 2 weeks and a half anyway. It has always been my dream to go to Australia, New Zealand, Ireland, and Scotland all in one huge trip.

I packed my bag and we both went shopping. Kevin wanted to buy five new suits, I wanted to buy stuff to wear on the beach. Kevin wanted to buy candy to eat on the plane but we had a lot left over from Halloween and I told him that we could take that candy with us. We ended up buying 5 full bags of Gummy Bears and Gummy Worms!

I decided that this trip is the perfect opportunity to make my move on him. But what should it be????

Kevin: The Move

(Part Three)

Now you know Kevin and you know how much he means to me. You also know about my ‘long-term crush’.

Kevin’s father is a business man working in the oil industry. Most of the company’s branches are in the Middle East and in the United States. Anyway, Ben was offered a job as a CEO in an international branch of the company his father works in. His father is on the board of directors and owns a lot of the company’s stocks. He had the choice of 5 branches in five different countries. He chose to come to the country that I work in because, as he said, “ there’ll be a familiar face for me to see all the time and the pay is great.”

This really excited me. Kevin was coming! I invited him to live with me until he gets his own place. He arrived and ever since his arrival, I have been toying with the idea of finally making a move on him. I have a lot of friends online and they encouraged me to make a move and some of them gave me bright ideas. They’re TJ, James, Tri, Jeff, Betty, Ky. And I’m grateful for all of their help.

I took Kevin on a long tour of the city. I took him out to eat a lot. I made cookies and cakes and other things which we both like and because I can cook :) He was really nice to me and I enjoyed every second we spent together.

After dinner, while we were eating dessert, he told me has big news. I kind of hoped that he would ask me out.

Kevin: Important Role

(Part Two)

The most important role Kevin has ever played in my life is when my twin brother, Ben, died. No one knows what really happened the day he died except the police who investigated the accident and our friends who were with us on the boat. I cannot say what really happened in exact detail or even think about it because I get this strange and awful feeling...It’s like I am reliving the whole situation and I could actually taste the water in my mouth. I majored in a branch in psychology so I know that this is my brain fucking with me. But even when I know this...I still can’t help but surrender to the feeling. I cannot fight it.

Ben died drowning. We were in a boat in Miami and there were a group of my friends and his friends and we were celebrating our first summer as college students. We sailed out in the morning and stayed there all day. We just kept sailing out in the open and we were having fun. A storm came during the night and the winds were really fast. We quickly turned the boat around to sail back but we were sailing against the wind and there was water in the boat and it was raining cold rain. The weather was ok, it was summer after all, but during the storm, I was freezing. Ben was thrown out of the boat and I was looking for him but I couldn’t find him. I didn’t think about it then because everything was moving very fast. I dove into the water. I guess I thought I would see better if I was in the water with him. My friends were scared because they thought that the boat would sink or something and they kept trying to get me to come back. We had already radioed and said that we were in the water and that we are coming back. One of my friends radioed and said that one of us fell into the water and that we couldn’t find him. We were in shark infested waters, and thinking about that now scares the hell out of me. Sharks are terrifying creatures. They can bite my leg off. But I didn’t think about that now. Help came two minutes later. My friends tell me that one of the guys said that a boat capsized not that far away from us and that is why they responded to our distress call. I don’t remember anything that happened then, I was unconscious and I swallowed a lot of water.

Ben drowned and they found his body and my family buried him. No one was allowed to see me in the hospital, my family didn’t want anyone to tell me about my brother’s death or the fact that they decided to bury him without letting me see him for the last time and without me included in the ceremony. My brother’s boyfriend sneaked into my hospital room and told me that they found Ben’s body. I was spending my second week in the hospital. I was in shock and denial. I wanted to be discharged but the doctor wouldn’t sign the papers. I yelled a lot of stuff. After spending my two weeks there, Kevin came to drive me home. I called him because I didn’t want to talk to my family. He took me to the cemetery and after that I went to his place. I just knew that if I saw any member of my family, I would kill them. Tell me, how would you feel if your family did that to you???

Kevin: An Introduction

(Part One)

I know I do not post as many entries in here as much as I did before in my old blog, but I will try to change that. I really will.

To keep you up-to-date to what has been going on during the last three weeks, I decided to write about it and post it here. A lot has happened.

As some of you know, I work two jobs. I work as a behavioral analyst in a girl’s juvenile institution as my main job and I teach two classes at a college here once a week. Well, it does get boring around here, and the rules at the juvie have changed 180 degrees. I was so stressed out that I quit my job and I got a job (immediately) as a critic. I criticized books and poetry for a publication company. It didn’t really suit me. Although I am lazy, I couldn’t bear sitting at home doing nothing but read crappy work and write amusing comments so that these books could sell. I hated the lying because I am always honest (and I take great pride in that). So, you can imagine how things went.

I quit that job and returned to juvie and asked if I could get my old job back. They accepted but I lost all of the raises and bonuses that I once had. I hated that but I accepted it. It was better than any job I could get back home. One person who knew about all of this, and more, is my best friend, Kevin.

Kevin has been my best friend since I was in the 1st grade. He knows everything about me and he was really close to Jam. I have always had a crush on Kevin but I never told him about it. At school, I was too shy. After graduation and through college, I didn’t tell him because I did not want to risk our friendship. We are very close, and we have always liked the same things and our thoughts were mostly alike.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Use Your Imagination for This One....

Imagine paying your way through college. Imagine having to find an apartment that you can afford to live in WHILE you are studying and paying for your tuition. That is what I had to do.

This would have been ok if my family was poor, then, but we weren’t. My dad was the richest of his siblings and he always had extra money to spend on cars, clothes, trips all over the world...He even bought his PhD. He didn’t earn it Ask him anything related to his thesis and he won’t be able to answer you because he doesn’t understand its concept and never did earn it.

It makes me so angry whenever I remember all of the shit I went through with my dad. Even though I am now 24 years old and independent and I do not need my father anymore, it hurts to see him spend money on my younger siblings more than he ever spent on me during the 18 years of my life that I have spent living under his roof.

They say that older siblings feel a little jealous of their younger siblings. In my case, that is true. Although I hate feeling jealous, I can’t help it. I mean, I got my driver’s when I was 19 years old. I never drove because dad never gave me the keys to one of his cars, and because he had also made it clear that I wasn’t allowed to drive anything. I didn’t have a car when I was in college but that was ok because I always had the bus. Although, its nice to drive out to nowhere without 30 strangers with you.

All of my siblings have their own cars, all of them have their own phone lines and their own computers, all of them have cell phones, all of them have their own bedrooms, all of them do not have a curfew.

My best friend, Kevin, asked me whether I considered the possibility that perhaps my father has changed. “Maybe he became cool and regrets the way he treated you before, and pride won’t let him admit it.” But both he and I know that – that isn’t true, and it will never be true. Dad has always been unfair to me and he always will.

Since I tell myself that I wouldn’t shed a tear for him when he dies, how come it hurts me to see what others have, that I lack? How come everyone around me, family, neighbors, classmates, teacher, and all of the kids I used to go to school with know how I am being mistreated? Why were Ben and I singled out?

You might think, what the hell brought this up?. Yesterday, my brother Mark called me. This is something he has never done before unless he wants something from me or needs a loan because he wants to return the money he stole from my dad. But this time, he called me at 3:30 a.m. My family knows the time difference and they ‘supposedly’ have a clock at the house set to my time.

I was so scared, all of the worst possibilities rushed into my head all at once. Someone died, someone is sick, someone is dying, someone is in trouble, someone is missing, ...etc.

I picked up the phone, Mark’s calm voice was on the other end.

Ruby: What’s wrong Mark? What happened? Are mom and dad ok?

Mark: Dad bought me a laptop.


Ruby: Tell me Mark, What the hell happened? Who died? Who got hurt???

Mark: Dad bought me a laptop tonight. Didn’t you always want one?

He laughed and hung up on me. I swear to you that I didn’t say anything beyond what I have mentioned here. And neither did he.

I was furious and miserable at the same time, so, I burst into tears. Imagine waking up at dawn to a phone call that was made to taunt you. And the person who is causing you this misery is your own brother.

It is hard not to care. I find it hard to hate someone. I mean, hate is such a strong word and I don’t like to use it. I despise the fact that I hate my dad, and I despise the fact that I hate my brother Alex and, today, my other brother Mark.

I keep thinking about my youngest sibling, Adam. He is such a sweet boy and dad is trying to make him a younger version of what he is. I call Adam more than 10 times a day and I talk to him before he has to go to school, and he calls me while I am on my way to work.

I hate the fact that I can count my blessings on one hand,

1- Mom
2- Ben
3- Adam

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

What's Going On

Remember this song?

I think that it is appropraite now. I mean, what the hell is going on?!! First there is Rita and Katrina and earthquakes and now Welma, and more earthquakes.

What is going on? Why are all these disasters taking place??


Ever since I was born, I didn’t want mom to read my poems and thoughts. Now that I do, she suddenly claims she isn’t interested.

Did Alzheimer kick in and she possibly forgot how cool my writing is?
Are my poems stupid and dull?

I kind of prefer Alzheimer.

Poor mom.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Without You

I extend my arms to what I have to feel
Letting go of what I thought was real
Feeling aghast and horrified
Afraid of what I may find
Throwing away what disgusted you
So many things I don’t know what to do
Looking at the ground that bears your coffin
Having to deal with the struggles within
They say these things take so much time
Then why 6 years later, I’m losing my mind?
There is so much to deal with, so much to do
Without your help, without you.

* * *
I wrote this poem last night. I dedicate it to my brother Ben "Jam".

Tuesday, October 11, 2005


part one

I woke up around 6 a.m. today because of a nightmare that I have never dreamt before. I dreamt that I was stuck inside a computer (how weird is that!) and that I traveled through the internet until I reached what seemed to be the ‘core’ of the internet, the control panel, a room that was filled with switches. If you flick those switches, you could create a website or eliminate one.

I saw a guy reaching for a switch that read S.F.L.I.M. I said to the man, what does seflim mean?”
He replied “S.F.L.I.M, not seflim.”
“Yeah, ok. But what does it mean?”
“The Search for Love in Manhattan”
I was interested “really?”
He said “yes”
I saw him reaching for the switch
“What the hell are you doing?”
“Shutting the website.”
“Why would you? Who told you? How come...” I fired questions like a drill sergeant!
“Faustus decided to stop blogging.”

Needless to say, I jumped out of bed and quickly ran to my computer, turned it on, and as soon as I was connected to the internet, I went to “My Favorites” folder and clicked on the website. I was relieved to find it still there.

I know it was just a dream, but sometimes, things like these happen. As if your brain is part of a huge international wireless network that plays a lot of things during your sleep taking advantage of your state of unconsciousness.

I know this sounds weird, but haven’t you felt something in your life, as if you were extra aware and after a little bit, what you felt became a reality?

Saturday, October 08, 2005


The Unknown Superman.

Today I saw a TV episode dedicated to John Ritter. In this TV show, he played the role of the father of the main character. When I saw the characters reminisce about the things that father did, it hurt.

You see, my father is alive but he is dead to me. I feel kind of secure talking about this here. Talking about your problems is therapeutic, especially if you have someone to talk to. I don’t. There is the option of seeing a therapist but I have a problem about being honest with people. I have been too honest with everyone. Not brutally honest mind you, the kind that is good. Anyway, I have trust issues; I can’t fully trust people, so yes, I am paranoid. But I have a right to be. I have trusted so many people and I have been let down so many times. Let down pretty damn hard. But this isn’t the point of today’s post.

My father and I have a terrible relationship. Remember American Beauty? Kevin Spacey is my dad. He cannot stop fantasizing about my friends...loudly. He speaks his thoughts! And that isn’t something any daughter should here. I remember telling my mom a long time ago “if you wont divorce him, then I will!” I just couldn’t stand the fact that my dad thinks of my friends in that perverted way. He is arrogant and cocky. He believes that he is irresistible. That no woman could ever resist him.

When I was a kid, still in primary school, my dad would beat me. And he continued to do that even when I was in high school. I could have filed a complaint against him but the police chief back then was my dad’s friend. The new one is also a friend of his. Besides, even if he didn’t know anyone there, nothing would have happened to him. When you are an Army General and you hold an important position that even the president knows who you are, it would be tough to nail you.

Aside from my daily dosage of child abuse, dad abused us (his children) emotionally. My twin brother had an extremely hard time coming out to my parents. Dad is pretty strict when it comes to homosexuality, so when my brother sat mom and dad down and told them, dad’s furious remarks and outrage were like whip lashes of fire. That is the way my brother described the moment. Why should that happen to him? So what if he is gay?

The closest person to me was Benjamin, my twin brother. We both applied to a university and we both got in. Miami was great without the radar we call dad. We had a lot of fun and we dated a lot. Ben was happy, and so was I. Being away from your parents has a special thrill. It spices up your life and allows you to go wild. When we were kids, Ben and I decided to save up our money. Whenever we got money from doing chores and when we got our allowances, we always took half of the money and then we would hide it in a very secret place. We made a long list of things we want to buy or do with our money. We have been saving up since primary school, imagine the amount!

We finally did it. We went to Miami where we spent all of our money. Our family is rich but my brother and myself are not. But that summer, we were.
We rented a yacht! And we sailed out with a bunch of our friends. It was so surreal that I expected to wake up any moment, and I kept telling everyone that.

We had alcohol with us, even though we were 19. Since we were out at sea, we all promised that none of us would get drunk. As a precaution, Ben and I had one glass of champagne each.
That night, only 2 out of seven got drunk. But it was ok. At 9 thirty, we decided to sit around and play truth or dare. A huge storm interrupted us. I was really scared because I was afraid that we would tip over. The waves were extremely high. Ben calmed me down and said that he was scared too, but we can’t spread the fear. We have to stay calm if we wanted to return to the harbor.

I managed to calm down a little bit, but my face reflected the fear I had inside.
The winds were so fast that it felt like sharp tiny needles were piercing my skin. It was like running through a snow storm. We were steering the boat incredibly fast and we were moving against the wind. Our stuff flew out of the boat and everyone was screaming. It reminded me of Titanic, except we had wind, the had ice.

Ben and I were holding the wheel (it was on the deck, not in a room) and my hands were aching. Suddenly, the wheel turned so hard, that it threw us to the ground. Ben fell onto the deck and the yacht was swaying and he fell overboard.

I screamed to everyone, “Oh my God Ben fell into the water! Ben’s in the water!”
I kept calling his name and I jumped into the water. As soon as I did, dread came over me. We never swam in this area because it was shark infested waters. I thrashed in the water, I called for Ben, and I kept looking for him.

Someone must have called for help because they came. I was screaming at the top of my lungs and I was crying. I still couldn’t find Ben. They pulled me out of the water and gave me a sedative. That I what my friends told me. They said that I passed out in the water.

Five days later, they found my brother’s body.
One day later, my family buried him.
Two weeks later, I was released from the hospital.

All of this happened in 1999.
Now it is 2005.
I haven’t even stepped into the sea. And I haven’t swum since.
And I still have nightmares about that night.
I never go to the harbor, and I cannot look at a yacht, a boat, a ship or a surf board without remembering Ben.

The last time my father was near his grave was the day of the Burial. He moved the family near DOD ( the Department of Defense). I was the only one who remained in Florida.
Now that work has taken me to another country, I secretly return to Florida every moth to visit my brother an cry on his grave.
I know this isn’t healthy.
My ex-boyfriend took away my passport to keep me from coming back to the States. I broke up with him and threatened to file a theft report against him.
I was being unreasonable.
But he is my brother.

Everyone else moved on.
David, Ben’s boyfriend, is now engaged and his wedding is in December. I am invited.
Mom is moving on with her life.
My siblings are growing up and dating.
No one talks about him, its as if his death was something tragic for a while and then it passed.

Whenever I am back in Florida I sit in my car and I stare at our old house and I cry. I cry because someone else is living in my brother’s room. Someone’s footsteps are erasing my brother’s. Someone’s fingertips are smudging whatever my brother touched.

I live my life ok, but when I am at home alone, I remember Ben.
This is the first time I have ever spoken about him other than the therapist the hospital made me talk to after the accident.

Although I am crying right now, it feels good to get this off my chest.
Even though I know that no one is reading my blog.

Friday, October 07, 2005

My Misfortune

Today, I had the misfortune of watching Mr. & Mrs. Smith for the first time. I do not know what the critics are saying about this movie but if they are saying it sucks, then they should get a PhD in criticism. If they are saying the movie is great, they should be fired.

I am judging the movie with a very sane mind. Troy really sucks and all of Brad Pitt’s roles sucked, I do not know what Jennifer Anniston saw in him. I also do not know what my friends see in him. I think Jen is better off without him, but that does not mean that he has the right to go and break her heart. In the end, it is that asshole’s loss, not hers. She is a much better person than Brad and Angelina combined together.

Something else that makes me sick is the way some of the media has been hounding Jen in newspapers, magazines and TV. I mean, they are discussing her misery all over the world. That is not fair. I think that she has the right to read the paper without reading about something, whether it is a fact or a rumor, that involves her ex and his mistress.

So Brad decided to do some charity work. I guess that is what they call an affair nowadays! “Hey hun, no I’m not fucking her, I am just donating sperm. It’s charity!”
Give me a break!

My dream is to work for the United Nations because I like to make a positive difference in the lives of people. I like to do charity work, I like helping out. I don’t think that Angelina should be working for UNHCR anymore. I refuse to be involved in something someone like her is also involved in. What also sucks is that she is still working there. After what she has done, I don’t think that she should be trusted with anything ever again. Maybe she will fuck it and steal it away from you. And to think that Jen was nice to her when she met her on the set.

I met a man whose job is to make a celebrity look good and make sure that his clients are mentioned in magazines and newspapers and TV shows. He said to me: “Sometimes a celebrity will ruin his/her image by doing something illegal, most likely drug intake or theft or hiring a prostitute or maybe he/she is know for being a player/slut. And then he/she comes to us and says “fix this” as if we have magic wands! Amateurs would immediately tell you to go do some charity work. Go visit some kids, or better yet, adopt a kid who isn’t of the same race as you are, and hug them in public and take them everywhere with you. Get your pictures taken with them.”

Hmm, sound familiar? That slut not only adopted 2 kids, but also has the nerve to pretend to care about people. How will she never convince the world to care about the feelings of those in need when she hasn’t even considered the feelings of Jennifer? Also, remember Brad’s picture with Zahra’s bottle in his jeans?

It is just too bad that Angelina doesn’t have a heart. If she did, I’d like to see someone break it.

Put yourself in this situation....

You make more money than your wife ever did in her entire life.
People at work love you because you are funny,
and you are famous for your kindness.
People like you so much that no one has ever said something nasty about you.

You have two adorable little daughters whom everyone loves,
because they're as cute and polite as you are.
You sometimes take your eldest daughter (4 years old) to work,
instead of putting her in a daycare center.

One day, after six very successful years in your career,
you realize that you haven't spent a lot of time with your wife and daughters.
So you quit your job,
to spend more time with them.

You have saved up a lot of money to support yourself and your family,
even when you don't have a job.
You wife then files for a divorce and takes away your kids
You still love your wife and you look miserable.

How would you feel?

This is the sad story of a man I know.
Please pray for him as you read this
He doesn't talk about it but I think he isn't eating anymore
He lost a lot of weight and he had a great body.
Now he is so slim, it hurts me to see him like this

His name is Brian

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Married In TEN Days!

Can you plan you're wedding in 10 days?
These two did:

It is wonderful to see two people you care about fall in love with each other and get married.

Susu, I honestly don't know how you planned your wedding in 10 days, but if it were my wedding, I'd need a century!

I'm so happy for you two. Congratulations!

Left: Beesh
Right: Susu

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Still Me

Most of you know me from my old blog. I decided to stop posting there because someone discovered it. That someone isn't a friend of mine.

So I am here now. Still me.